Hey guys! A few days ago, I got an email from my friend Adam who in turn recently had been getting an email from his ex-girlfriend, Charlotte. I thought that the email and his response was so good that I wanted you guys to see it.
“Hi Adam,
Over the past few weeks I have been trying to figure out how to bring up something important. Even in our situation, where there is no anger or resentment, continuing to have emotional and reflective conversations is still difficult and painful. Hurting you has been very hard for me to bear. I’m glad that you are back on your feet and doing well, but it does not make this any easier. I have to tell you that I have started a relationship with someone. I know we briefly talked before Christmas about what would happen if either of us moved on, but I don’t know what your reaction is going to be. I am sorry that I am doing this via an email, but honestly Adam, I’ve tried to envisage telling you in person but I can’t sit in front of you and hurt your feelings again. After we broke up I was determined to maintain a positive relationship with you because I never wanted you to think that I didn’t care how you felt or that I didn’t care about you. But chatting on the phone and meeting up without me telling you what’s happening in my life is dishonest and I don’t want to be that person. If this changes how you feel about remaining in contact with each other, I will understand, but please know that I don’t want to lose contact with you.
Charlotte”
“To be honest Charlotte, I’m relieved.
I’ve been preparing myself for this for nearly six months, and I feel that now I can finally move on with my life. These past few months have been the hardest I’ve had to endure. Identifying and addressing ones own faults and perceived inadequacies hasn’t been the easiest thing to do. But I feel that I needed to go through all that, and the pain of losing you, to become the person I am now. I’m no longer the sniffling heartbroken insecure boy I was six months ago, but the confident and self-assured man I’ve always wanted to be. The hard work hasn’t stopped, and it never will.
I can understand why you told me this via email, but I’m both angry and hurt that you did. I dont feel like you have extended me the courtesy and respect that I deserved during this break-up, just because you’ve found it difficult to talk about emotional and reflective issues and have been afraid of what my reaction might be. I’m really disappointed in us that this is how we ended up after two and a half years together. Having said that, telling me you’re in a relationship with someone else wouldn’t have been easy. I accept it, I respect you for it, regardless of how you went about doing it. I’m happy for you, even though I feel this person has been around for some time now.
Despite all that’s gone on these past few months, I still have the same feelings, thoughts and desires for you Charlotte. It’s for these reasons I’ve decided not to remain in contact with you. I can’t allow myself to accept second best, which is what you’re asking me to do. To be brutally honest, I dont know how to be your friend after I’ve given you my whole for so long; faulty though it may have been. We might be able to develop a friendship after a good deal of time has passed and we have both moved on emotionally, but I cant see that happening for me in the forseeable future. This means I will not be in contact with your family anymore, and we both have to entertain the possibility that a friendship between us might never happen.
There are other reasons why we cant be friends. I know you care for me and still have feelings for me, but I wont allow myself to linger in the wings while you pursue a relationship with someone else. You might find comfort and emotional security in having me there, but everytime your name pops up on my phone, in my inbox or you ‘like’ or comment on something of mine on Facebook, I get a kick in the teeth as a bitter reminder of everything I’ve lost. I simply refuse to let myself get hurt like that any more. Given all the things we’ve shared and done together, I can understand why you want to be friends. But you cant have it both ways. I also feel you wont be treating your new partner with the dignity and respect they deserve in your new relationship if I were still on the scene.
Im in a much better place now. After ten years of working at it, I finally got my dream job. Im writing pretty much full-time, and now get paid to travel to Europe each year doing what I love the most. I finish my PhD in a little over a year, and am now making great progress towards it, with the promise of a publishing contract with Cambridge University Press at the end. With the new job, I’ve finally got my finances together, and am looking forward to my trip to the States in June/July. I now have a place to live that nobody can take away from me, and the new job has enabled me to start saving for a deposit on my own apartment. Im spending much more quality time with my family and friends, and am making new friends all the time. I’ve dropped a little under 10kgs since August, and I’m the fittest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m not yet ready for a relationship, but I’m casually dating four women who like me for my confidence, success, ambition and bearing. I’m loving my photography again, and am keeping my life in perspective through the work I’m doing with St Vincent de Paul. I will never go back to where I was before.
I’ve certainly learned a great deal about love, life and relationships these past few years with you. I’ve learned how to manage them, how to enjoy them, what to do in the future and what not to do. I wouldn’t have been able to learn those valuable lessons without you.
I would have liked to have had this discussion in person so I could say goodbye the way I wanted to, but I’m not going to make things harder for you than what they already are. I think it’s best we leave it here.
I hope you find the ever-elusive happiness you’ve been searching for for so long Charlotte.
Take care you. And be kind to yourself.”
Almost needless to say, Adam told me in a later email that Charlotte didn’t handle his response too well. He has been getting some abusive phone messages and a demand that he owes her money – which he of course won’t give in to. She’s hurt, angry and confused that he’s able to stand up for himself like this, so it’s a natural reaction.
What do you guys think of the emails? Did he do the right thing? Let me know in the comments and we’ll have a discussion!
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